My Anxiety Taking a Pregnancy Test

If you have experienced the loss of a baby, and maybe if you haven’t, maybe you can relate to this conflicting feeling.

I am sitting here writing this as a way to procrastinate taking a pregnancy test. See we were not trying for a baby right now. Sure, I have made many comments about how I really do want a third baby.

But I am not ready.

I am not ready physically to house another beautiful baby in my womb. I have been working on getting in better shape. Not to look better – that will be a perk – but to feel better.

I am not ready to share my body with a toddler and an unborn baby. See I am still nursing our 18 month old son, who loves being the center of attention and a boobie monster.

I am not ready for the morning sickness and exhaustion to take away my ambition to play with my children, have social events with friends and family, and work on all the goals I have this year.

I am not ready emotionally to go through another tough, high risk pregnancy where every week feels like an eternity. Many of you know that I have had losses including a pre-term labor. As much as I love being pregnant, pregnancy does not like me.

I am not ready for the anxiety of wondering if this baby will be okay, born healthy, and let me bring them home and watch them grow into wonderful adults.

I am not ready monetarily. Let’s not kid, most people are not financially ready for a baby at any stage in their lives. But we are still learning to live with two kiddos and needing a new car and home if we have another baby.

I am not ready to deal with all the comments that I know will come from my family. I love them and they love me, but that does not mean they are supportive about having more children.

I am not ready to re-define my business around being pregnant for another year. Working to make sure I have the clients that I love and still giving them the absolute best experience I can give until the end of my pregnancy.

But them there is another side….

I am not ready to tell myself that the test is negative.

What happens if I am not in fact pregnant and this is just another time that my cycle is off after having our son?

Even with all the thoughts of not being ready to be pregnant, the thoughts of not being pregnant are just as devastating.

To not feel that precious baby growing inside. To not feel the flutters turn to kicks turn to belly gymnastics. To not get to roar my baby into this world. To not hold my baby close to me with all the love. To not see the look on my children’s faces when they meet their sibling for the first time.

How do you handle the mixed emotions of not wanting a baby and still wanting a baby at the very same time?

Currently, I just sit here and write. Waiting for the courage to take the test.

Have you been here? Or somewhere similar? I know I am not alone in the many reasons why we may have large anxiety taking a pregnancy test. Even if your reasons are different than mine. I’d love to hear your point of view.