Never Want to Forget

A little, ok a lot, of history

For those of you who are new to the project, I want to tell you a little about how my nursing journey has evolved.

With my first-born daughter, I knew I wanted to breastfeed from the beginning. She came a little early and all the doctors tried to prepare me for this terribly hard journey. But it was anything but difficult.

She was a model nurser. She latched with no issues and always got more than enough milk. Her whole journey was a like a dream. I had planned to wean her at one, but it was so important to her, I ended up waiting until I was about to have our Earthside son before we weaned completely. You can read more of her story here and here.

Then my son was born a whopping two weeks later. I was fully prepared to have the journey have a different start but still be able to nurse just fine. Well, he didn’t have a good latch from day one. It HURT. And I mean hurt from the very beginning.

I had more than enough milk, as was evident by the large amount I would leak. But for whatever reason (we never discovered it), it took him an extra long time to get back to birth weight. Long story short, they tried to get me to supplement which did not go well. And then he figured it out. He never did get a better latch, but we persevered until he was just over two… even after the birth of my second daughter.

Now, I did not want to tandem nurse. I liked the fact that I got one on one time with them as they nurse, and I truly thought it was just too complicated since he was already two. (You can read more about his journey here and here and here).

I am SO THANKFUL that he was still nursing. He wasn’t nursing a lot. It was more of a comfort than anything else. But Baby Lilly was also a little early, and all those things the doctors had warned me about with my first, actually happened this time around.

She wouldn’t latch, and wouldn’t suck, and just wasn’t interested. I felt like a failure. How could I have nursed for 5 years and now not even be able to get her latch. SO MANY tears were shed on both sides. More about her beginning here.

But then I was thankful that my son was still nursing because I no longer respond to any pumps (we tried 4 different ones) and I was so engorged with little relief. So, when I would feel a clog that I couldn’t get out, I would have him nurse to sleep and like magic it was all better.

Fast forward

Lilly is now getting close to two years old. She is nursing like a champ. Honestly, I didn’t know if we would ever get into a rhythm. I almost gave up and started to search for donor milk.

I think back on those days when we were first getting to know each other, and I still can’t say that I can think fondly about them. They actually still bring up some anger and resentment toward my own body. But I can say that I have even more respect for a lot of other women out there.

No end in sight

When I first began my breastfeeding journey, I was dead set that I would not nurse past one year old. What garbage. Nothing changes just because they are one day older than they were the day before.

So naturally we are still nursing today. It was really like something just clicked for us at about 6 weeks. And ever since we have had a model breastfeeding relationship. Her latch is good and deep. She gets the milk she needs. And still eats like a champ for “real” food.

At this point, I don’t really have any idea or intention of weaning her. I think she will wean herself much better than the other two did before her. She already will unlatch quite often at night and just fall asleep on her own. And she isn’t quite as dependent on it during the day either.

That is not to say she is not a boob monster. Anytime I offer it, she is more than happy to do so. At least for a minute.

A growing sadness

We have planned Lilly to be our last baby. Which comes with so many emotions as a mother. Yes, I have sweet, smart, loving children. And no, we don’t need more. But there are so many things I don’t know that I am ready to say I will never experience again.

One of those things being breastfeeding. Being a breastfeeding mother in deeply ingrained in my identity now. It is who I am. I don’t know when she will be done and nurse for the last time, but I feel confident in saying that I will cry so many times over it.

I love that she is growing and learning and passing milestones with ease. But I will still miss her little face coming up to ask for “boo” or the simple happy look she gives me when she finally gets it.

Memories

I want to remember so many things, from the way she fit in the crook of my body while we nurse to sleep to the way she squishes her face into my boob when she is trying to have it just a little longer.

She is so cute when I start asking her questions when she is nursing. Usually yes or no questions and she will stay latched to shake or nod her head. Then I will ask something that needs a real answer, and you can see her actually think about it before she unlatches to answer – or doesn’t and just smiles at me.

Even when she was little, she didn’t like when my boob would touch her face, so she would grab it with both hands and push it away from her. She has been the worst about squishing it with both hands to get more milk out as she deems fit.

I never really let any of my kids do the nurse acrobatics that I see so often. I always just unlatch them and not give it back until they do not do that any longer. But she will on occasion put her foot on my chest or play with it in her hand.

She is also the one that both will snuggle in and be super sweet or roll away with the only point of contact being her mouth. She is a little snarky about it at night. No way to tell which way it will go.

There are so many things I hope to never forget with each of my little ones. It is these little things I know I will miss the most when they are old and grown.

My advice

While I have been nursing for nearly 7 years straight (which seems crazy to me). The only advice I can really give, is to follow your own gut.

Breastfeeding can be an amazing journey with ups and downs. But I have learned that for many, the hardships of getting started are just too great and that is ok too. Do you want to supplement? Go for it. Do you want to exclusively pump? More power to you (seriously that is a HARD feat to accomplish). Do you not want to give them any of your own milk? That’s ok too! Happy mamas mean so much more than trying too hard to make it work.

Let me tell your story

What I have learned is that every baby is different, every story is different, and every story is worth telling. So please let me tell your story. Interested in the possibility? Send me a message and we can discuss if it is something right for you.

*All photos in this blog were taken by myself using my DSLR and a tripod using an interval timer.