A Complicated Beginning

My breastfeeding journey with my sweet LillyBug, just like our birth story, started much differently than my other stories. When she was born, it seemed as though she would latch ok. But then as bottles and syringes were given to her to help her blood sugars come up, it became apparent that we were going to have a hard time.

At only 5 pounds, 15 ounces, her mouth was small, and we had an extremely hard time getting a good, deep latch. I worked with multiple lactation consultants at the hospital to see if we could get it better.

As time went, we were triple feeding – an experience that many mothers go through. In short, triple feeding is when you try to nurse baby, pump, and then feed from the bottle… On repeat. This leaves mom with little to no time in between feedings of a newborn.

To be honest, this kind of feeding is exhausting, and emotionally draining. We left the hospital after 3 short days with the same plan and no end in sight.

If I were not an experienced breastfeeder, one of two things would be true. I would likely have given up as the pediatrician told me she needed to be supplemented and as the nights grew long. The other option would be that I likely would have done better with it because I would not have known any different.

I was in a hard place. With the obvious stress of just haven given birth, two other children to care for and now even less sleep with a new baby. I was beating myself up every single day, feeling like I was failing her because I could not nurse.

I cried – often. That deep ugly cry and the small tear. It was not going well. All I wanted was to nurse my last baby, the way I had my first daughter. Snuggle her close and have her nourished by me. Happy. Content. Warm.

The hardest moments were in the morning when I had not pumped enough overnight and needed to pump while she screamed at me in hungry. It only ever took 10-15 minutes to get enough to feed her. But those moments were brutal. We would cry together, and I would plead for her to nurse. Just to do it.

One day in particular, I remember vividly. We were in the car. I do not remember where we had just gotten back from, but my older kids were screaming in the back seat and I knew I needed to pump again. I felt like a failure. I felt so much anxiety. Pain. Unease about our future and if I would ever be able to nurse. I felt the pain of knowing I was not giving my other children enough attention, time, or love. I bawled. Ugly crocodile tears.

I worked with a chiropractor and likely should have gotten her checked for a rear tongue tie. But it was a terribly slow train.

By week two, I had all but given up. I stopped trying to feed at the breast because she never would latch and would just get madder as we tried. I was exclusively pumping. To all of the moms out there who exclusively pump – I solute you. You are a goddess in a way that will never be fully appreciated.

But I knew, this was not what I wanted. Of course, I would do it if that were the only way we could. But it was not the plan.

So we waited, anxiously for about 3 more weeks. Then I started to try to get her to nurse again. She wanted to be close and she wanted the comfort of nursing. It still was not natural, but she was much more willing to try. So for a solid week we tried.

SHE. DID. IT!

At about six weeks. Mostly like the lactation consultants had said, something just clicked, and she was ready.

The relief and the joy it gave me to nurse her made me cry again. I am just being honest. Maybe I had postpartum depression. But I honestly think it was just the emotions of things not being the way I wanted them to be. This is my last baby and I wanted everything to be perfect.

Fast forward, I stopped pumping altogether at about 3.5 months. I had a small stash in the freezer and rarely needed to dip into it. And she was nursing strong.

Now, she will be 9 months old this month and is a nursing champ. I am grateful for ever latch. Even as she pinches and cuts the underside of my breast. Even as she cluster feeds through teething. Even when she wakes in the night.

We did it together and I am not sure when we will stop. We will decide when the time is right together.

I cannot give you the best advice. But I can say to never give up on yourself. If you are breastfeeding, have a short or no supply, pumping, supplementing. You are not a failure. You are enough. Love your baby and do what is best for you.

I hope you enjoy reading through the stories this year! Be sure to join our Mama Group on Facebook to not miss a story. If you want to share your story, send me a message and we can make it happen! Ideally, I would love to share one story every week.

All images in this blog were taken by my talented friend and birth photographer, Mama Dee’s Birth Photography.